Ever had that experience? You were doing great, you felt wonderful. You were talking about your new programme and how this would affect so many people for the better. You are excited you know this is going to work. In all your excitement you speak about it to a lot of people. Most of them see the value and share your enthusiasm.
But not Terrance. He just listened to you and then listed all the flaws. Things you had not even thought about. Minor details that almost seemed irrelevant until he pointed them out. It made you doubt instantly. So much for the good vibes.
You are mad at yourself. Mad because you let him get to you. Again. Mad as you know it is a good programme but now that he pointed out some flaws, it has made you doubt it. It has made you doubt you.
We do this all the time
It is something we do every day. We feel great, we have something great and we love to share this. Everything is fine until we stumble upon someone with a different opinion. It does not even matter whether that person is right or not, we feel offended. It makes us question ourselves and our ability to serve others. We start to defend ourselves.
I used to be quite quickly offended. I wanted everybody to think the same way as I did. To love all my programmes and offerings, or at least like me. The reality is you never will be a perfect match for everyone. You will always bump into people with a different view. And that is all right. You do not want to be there for everyone, you just want to be there for the right ones.
But what do you do when you meet that one or two persons with a different view? Especially if they articulate that view so clearly that it makes you doubt yourself.
You are great
First of all, you need to realise that you are the only one that has the power to make you feel good or bad about yourself. It is not what the other person says that makes you feel bad. It is you that makes you feel bad about yourself. You choose to believe that person instead of choosing to believe what you thought one minute ago: that you are actually a great person.
It is a reflection of how they feel
Secondly, you always need to keep in mind that what someone else says reflects everything about what she/he feels about himself and has nothing to do with you. Feedback reveals something about the other person not about you. Leave it with the other person.
If you struggle with leaving the feedback where it belongs, with the feedback giver, I love to share some tips with you on how to do this best. Without defending yourself.
7 tips on how to not get affected by what people are saying or thinking about you. And how to definitely not defend yourself!
- Start replying to their disapproval by using the word “you”
- Tell them to stop manipulating you by not giving their approval.
- Thank people for pointing out facts.
- Ignore disapproval.
- Talk yourself into disapproving their opinion.
- Gauge how important their approval is to you.
- Accept that not everyone has to understand you.
When someone provides you with negative feedback:
- Start replying to his disapproval by using the word “you”. It allows you not to defend yourself. Say something like: “You do not agree with me I believe. You are of the opinion that the programme should be different”.
- If you feel like someone is manipulating you, by not giving you his approval, make a remark about this. You could say: “Normally I would change my point of view, as I don’t like to disappoint people. But I believe in what I said and what you think of it, is your business”.
- You could thank someone for pointing out the facts that will help you grow, even if you did not like to hear those. Thanking someone ends your need for approval.
- Practise in ignoring someone’s disapproval by simply ignoring him or her. Simply do not respond. If someone keeps going reply by simply saying “Okay”.
- Change your need for approval and the effect disapproval has on you by talking to yourself when someone disapproves of you. Say: “That is none of my business. It is her point of view and has nothing to do with me”.
- Whenever you are meeting disapproval, ask yourself this important question: “Would I be better off when they would agree with me?”. Very likely your answer is that it would not make a real difference. That their point of view does not impact you unless you allow it.
- Accept the fact that many people will not understand you, which is all right. They do not have to. You also do not understand all people yourself, you do not have to. That is diversity. You are not everyone’s cup of tea, nor do you want to be. Just be you.
It may take you some time to put this into practice but remember: you are the one that determines how you feel. You can choose to feel good, any moment, any day and any time.
Yvonne Dam is an online life coach and career coach who helps busy, ambitious people to enjoy life. She helps them to focus on what matters in their lives and careers, in order to make more money and achieve more freedom! After feeling trapped in the corporate world, Yvonne decided to do more of what she loved and found the more she chose to do what she wanted, the happier she became. Yvonne is passionate about coaching and sharing her expertise with you so you can be liberated to fully embrace life. Ready to pause your busy life for a moment and download some happy vibes? Get my FREE eBook and feel happy!
Yvonne has a vast coaching experience from executives to teams to ambitious business owners.
Through her personal and business coaching programs she has helped dozens grow their businesses while drastically reducing their working hours.
And when Yvonne is not coaching, you can find her indulging in beach walks, and a sparkly glass of champagne.
Subscribe to our newsletter for weekly inspiration
- You Have That Lightning-In-A-Bottle Business Idea – So What Now? - 9 April 2024
- How to enhance your value and skyrocket your sales - 4 February 2024
- How To Work Productively (From Anywhere In The World) - 30 January 2024